That is to say, “isn’t” a true counselee after all.

Are you wondering what I mean by that? Let me explain in a brief article, and make some suggestions that may help you help him. I’ll consider two instances of what might be multiplied many times over.

First, a counselee isn’t a genuine counselee when he comes to prove to someone else that you cannot help him.

“Does that actually happen?”

Infrequently, but often enough to mention it. You see, there are people who will make excuses to get out of all sorts of situations that they don’t like. “I won’t get diabetes if I continue to eat as I please. After all, the doctors aren’t infallible. What they once said was that coffee made you nervous—now, they’re hailing it almost as a wonder drug.” When he finally goes to the physician as the result of his wife’s nagging, he’ll find all sorts of excuses not to return: “I told you we’d have to wait half the day in the waiting room to get on to see him, and then he only gives us ten minutes of his valuable time. I’m not going back to that quack!” That’s the same sort of attitude sometimes found in so-called counselees.

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Faith Baptist Bible College in Ankeny, Iowa was the site of two of the greatest accomplishments of my youth. The first was getting the powers that be at FBBC to award me a degree without them realizing how much I still I still had to learn. My second, and greatest accomplishment, was convincing the most beautiful and talented woman on campus to marry me!

This Sunday, May 30, Sandy and I will have been married 35 years and we will be celebrating on a week long cruise. Today, I want to exercise my editorial prerogatives and preempt Jay’s daily posting so I can use this space to “rise up and call her blessed.” I don’t believe I have ever conducted a marriage counseling session when, after dismissing the couple, I did not give thanks to God for His goodness in giving Sandy to me. If I ever publish a study bible I would place a picture of her in the margin next to Proverbs 31.

Happy Anniversary, Babe. I love you!

“Of what? Watermelons? Peppers? Tomatoes?”

No. You know what I’m talking about.

“Yeah . . . Christians.”

Right. There’s the one who simply doesn’t care; the one who does care, but has a hard time changing . .

“And the kind that has changed a bit, but doesn’t show it in his/her life.”

And the one who is growing and changing every day.

“Right. Now, what are you getting at?”

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“Hey! When are you going to stop all of that nonsense and get serious about your life?”

Oh, just a few more years after I’ve had my time, sown my wild oats, and the like. I’ll settle down then.

“What makes you think so?”

Oh, I don’t know. I just suppose it’ll be that way.

“Any guarantee you’ll be able to change then? Or that you’ll even make It before those oats have spring up?

No, but I’ll take my chances.

“Sounds risky to me.”

I like risks.

“Yeah. But look at what you’re risking—it’s the rest of your life. What you’ll do with it; how you’ll make it count.”

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“What do you mean by, ‘Yes?’”

Just what I said—Yes.

“But you can’t possibly mean that.”

Yet, I certainly do!

“Did you hear me correctly?”

Yes, again.

“But I asked you whether or not you knew you were going to heaven when you die. How could you possibly give an unequivocal ‘Yes?’ Suppose you do something that so displeases God you won’t deserve to go to heaven?”

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Beware of those who frequently use the word “nuance,” or some derivative thereof.

“Why?”

Because they may be attempting to “snow you” by using that term.

“What does the word mean?”

It comes from a French word that means “shades,” and refers, for instance, to various subtle shades of color.

“I still don’t get it.”

You see, such persons are claiming, “I don’t see things quite as black or white, they way you do. I see various delicate shades of meaning that you don’t,” while all the while the differences are wide enough to drive a Mack truck through.

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People are funny: when it comes to selecting friends they rarely do so. Rather, they allow themselves to drift into relationships at work, or elsewhere that, in the long run, may prove foolish. If the book the Book of Proverbs warns about one thing it is the associations we make. In 22:24 it warns, “Don’t make friends with an angry man, and don’t be the companion of a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways, and entangle yourself in a snare [trap].” Two chapters later, Proverbs goes on to say, “Don’t envy evil men or desire to be with them; for their hearts plan violence, and their words stir up trouble (24:1). Here’s another: “Don’t associate with those who drink too much wine, or with those who gorge themselves on meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will become poor, and grogginess will cloth them in rags (23:20). There are warnings about associating with fools, troublemakers, violent persons, and on and on.

“Is Proverbs all negative?”

Not on your life! I’ve just chosen a few that are—by far, the positive content outweighs the negative. But we all need to be warned from time to time. You will find the way of life that pleases God and brings joy and happiness spelled out in the book—without reading too many chapters either!

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The book of Proverbs was written to impart God’s wisdom to His saints. It is not a book of moralisms; it is God’s input on many, if not most, facets of life. Following the proverbs is to be following God’s will so as to serve Jesus Christ.

As such, the Christian puts himself in peril to neglect it.

Moreover, it is an exceedingly important way to learn, remember, and utilize truth. Most proverbs are portable, packaged, and pictured principles. A great chunk of life, analyzed by the Lord for us, is squeezed into a small package called a proverb. The principle is illustrated, in many cases, so that it becomes concrete enough to understand, remember, and implement. Your task is to find and unpack those that you need at the moment, and use them. The picture illustrating the principle will help you do so.

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An agnostic? Well, I can see how this is at least a tenable position for an unbeliever. After all, Paul wrote about the impossibility of such persons to understand or welcome the things of the Spirit of God (1 Corinthians). If your eyes are closed and you admit it, as the agnostic in a sense does, so be it. That’s respectable. But an atheist? Now, he’s a different kind of cat. Who can make such an untenable boast as that there is no God? The Psalmist answers, “The fool has said in his heart ‘there is no God’” (Psalm 14:1).

Why is an atheist a fool?

In answer, let me simply suggest one reason: no one knows enough to be an atheist.

If, for instance, God is a spirit, how would you be able to ascertain His whereabouts or non-whereabouts? You can’t see or feel a spirit. As of late, even with all of our electronic marvels, I haven’t yet seen a spirit-detector for sale. How can he know that there is no God?

Secondly, supposing he was able to go everywhere in search of God, how would he know that God wasn’t just one jump ahead of (or behind) him? To make the affirmation with any reasonable basis for it, he would have had to be everywhere at the same time to discover that God wasn’t there. But, of course, that would mean he is omnipresent and omniscient (and probably omnipotent) to be able to be there. But then, if he were all of these, he’d be God—and hardly be an atheist.

Now, I don’t want to let the agnostics off too easily. There are two kinds of agnostics. One doesn’t know, and one who doesn’t care. I don’t have much respect for the second. He doesn’t care enough to find out so he can tell his children whether there is or not. Shame on him. The other kind doesn’t know, but it troubles him immeasurably. He should keep on seeking: “Seek and ye shall find.” There’s hope for him.

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I recently received a wonderful book written by some missionary friends telling about how God has blessed their long and faithful work. It was the record of a husband and wife and children who had dedicated their lives to maintaining a preaching station for the Gospel, and how it grew over the years with many solid converts.

Only one thing about it troubled me—its title—one that I suppose was put their by the publisher. It has the word “Miracles” in the title, describing the work.

As I read through the book, not a single miracle was described. There were many instances of God’s good providence, but no miracles.

Someone had misled us—as they often do in Christian circles today—calling all sorts of marvelous things that God does “miracles.” Let’s stop using that word loosely! Let’s call miracles “miracles” (they don’t happen except in the Bible).

Let’s call them the results of hard labor for the Lord that He blesses, and His providential working regardless of circumstances.

If someone grows a news leg after amputation; that’s a miracle. If Doctors, dedicated to their work, are able to save a leg that would have been amputated in Civil War days—that’s God’s providential working through their expertise. It’s no miracle!

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We talked about the phrase “Tell me about it,” which is one a faithful counselor will be regularly asking because he is interested in facts—not in guesswork. But there’s another phrase, heard too often, that he should learn to avoid.

“What’s that?”

The phrase is, “How do feel about that?”

“What’s wrong about that phrase? Aren’t you in the business of helping people feel better?”

Absolutely not!

“No? Then why do you counsel people?”

First, please understand—if, as a result of counseling someone feels better, that’s usually a good thing—a plus. But that’s not the goal.

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That’s an important phrase for counselors to learn to use. Too often, counselors tend to guess about a counselee’s problems, thereby wasting his and their valuable time.

“Give me an example.”

It’s like this. A counselee mentions something or other. Let’s say an argument down at work that led to his firing. The counselor then begins to speculate, “Was it like . . . ?” And he describes a possible scenario. The counselee then says, “No.” The counselor than describes a second possible scenario to which the counselee replies, “Well . . . not exactly.” And so on and on and on—the counselor guessing about what might have happened. What a foolish waste of time! Yet, I’ve heard trainees in role-plays do that very thing.

“Well, what should they do?”

“Clearly, they should let the counselee describe the happening by saying, ‘Tell me about it.’ After all, he’s sitting there right in front of you. He was there when it happened. So, let him be the one who recounts what took place.

“ But what if he gives you a slanted account, in favor of himself?”

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“Who’s a saint?”

I am, why are you asking?

“Because some Mormons I met claimed that they were and I wasn’t. Am I?”

God knows.

“Can’t I know too?”

Sure. But I can’t.

“Why can’t you? I want to know.”

Well, because I can’t look into your heart. Only God can infallibly read hearts. The rest of us operate on the basis of what we see and hear—“by their fruits,” you know.

“But can’t I know something or other about it?”

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Christian, what is it that is keeping you from serving Jesus Christ as you should? Perhaps, I should rephrase that question to read. “What is it that you are allowing you to keep you from serving Christ?”

After all, nothing really can, you know. Oh, you could be imprisoned, but that wouldn’t mean that here was no way of serving Him (check out Philippians 1 to learn how Paul served Him in prison).

You could be lying flat on your bed, but so long as you had your senses, you could serve in prayer.

So, if nothing can prohibit you from it, why aren’t you serving Him, believer? If you can read this blog, you can do so.

We could begin to list excuse after excuse at this point, but what good would that do? If you are in the excuse-making mode, then you will always find another. Call it a good reason, but you know down deep that it’s an excuse—don’t you?

You could talk about past successes, but that has nothing to do with the present. What are you doing now?

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Not all counseling problems are of the same order. If a counselor doesn’t recognize this fact he may bypass truly important material while dealing with other matters. In addition, though making an effort to do so, he may fail to reach that material because he fails to handle matters in the correct order. Moreover, when solving one problem, if not careful to avoid doing so, he may create new and (perhaps) more serious ones. Still other grave consequences may arise from ignoring the fact of differences in problems.

What are the differences?

Viewed from one perspective, we may speak of Principal Problems, Ancillary Problems, and Complicating Problems. And it is about these three sorts of problems that I wish to call your attention in this post.

Principal Problems

As the name indicates, a Principal problem is the major problem that a counselee has. Ordinarily, he will be able to identify it as such. But that isn’t always true. Sometimes a counselee may think that a problem belongs to this class when, actually, it is but an Ancillary or Complicating problem. Let’s look at an example.

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